My hobbies include humming the Jurassic Park theme song to my chickens, to make them feel more in touch with their ancestors.

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I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.


Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.


[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.


Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?


doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom


me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles


A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.


“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article


*Dive rolls across the room naked

Her- Why don’t you just buy curtains?


I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that