I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
My hobbies include humming the Jurassic Park theme song to my chickens, to make them feel more in touch with their ancestors.
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Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: that could what Charles
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
*Dive rolls across the room naked
Her- Why don’t you just buy curtains?
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that