just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
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If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00