My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
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NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Saturday
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Warm pools make me nervous.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien