My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
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Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes