My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
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Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.