My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
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VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Seductively sings in Klingon.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes