Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

every man in east london

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

(Vegan zombie)

“Mmmm ….. grains”

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

me linking you to my twitter

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.