My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
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You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I put the p in pants.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
nice challenge
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”