My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
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*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*