My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
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Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH