My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
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The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I’m pretty like a car crash.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere