My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
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Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Howl 😭
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf