“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
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of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Coffee for people with no kids
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing