“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
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Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?