“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
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People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f