My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
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I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
termite twitter scares me
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..