Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

those birds must be on payroll

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

Delightful if true: booby trap.

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.