Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left