My horoscope said I should kiss you today
You Might Also Like
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
