Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT

The cat has already been fed.

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.