Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

👍

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.