Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#merica

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

The three genders.

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

hmmm

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

Sooo many times…..