My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
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When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
S/o to @funTweeters .
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
