Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

[sees giant spider in house]

[tells girlfriend “I got this”]

[slowly rolls up magazine]

[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

I beg your pardon?

i would wish you the best but i am the best

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

Who wants to be my Valentine?

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe