Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
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Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching