Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited
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Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Simple instructions to get through this year unscathed
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Guy told me I have “Bambi eyes”…is that even a compliment? Oh god, please don’t shoot my mother.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.