My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited

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Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.


harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ


Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.


Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.


Guy told me I have “Bambi eyes”…is that even a compliment? Oh god, please don’t shoot my mother.


In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.


[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head


Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.