My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
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Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
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Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
🤷♀️
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
The Sun
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh