My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
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[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
The honesty is refreshing
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.