When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
You Might Also Like
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I’m around a bunch of people right now remembering why I don’t like being around a bunch of people
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
What kind of name for a storm is “Debby?”
Hurricanes should have names like “Satan”
No one should have their house destroyed by “Heather.”
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Voldemort: *pointing wand at Harry* i hope you write to me every day from hell
Harry Potter: i would but *cocks pistol* no post on sundays