My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

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ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup


ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup


ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world


ME: My compliments to the chef


i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit


If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister


Me: carry my bags plz. I’m practically a trophy wife.

Husband: participation trophy

Touché husband Touché


She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.


*job interview*
Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?
*pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers*
I want to help people


If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.


“GO SPORTS!” -how I cheer for all sports


I’ll always be here for you….
Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there.
Then I’ll be over there for you.