@Marlebean

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

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@T_Bonezzz

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier

@papasuncle

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

@Marlebean

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

@VVanGone

I’m around a bunch of people right now remembering why I don’t like being around a bunch of people

@jon_snow_420

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

@genehunter1

What kind of name for a storm is “Debby?”

Hurricanes should have names like “Satan”

No one should have their house destroyed by “Heather.”

@funnybeachgirl

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

@Dustinkcouch

Voldemort: *pointing wand at Harry* i hope you write to me every day from hell

Harry Potter: i would but *cocks pistol* no post on sundays