My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
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(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*