My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
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My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
When you don’t understand how floors work
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
But that’s none of my business
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics