Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news

me: what’s the ambiguous news?

doctor: one of us is dying

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us