Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

DOOO EEEET

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.