My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
You Might Also Like
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
pls suprot
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
as the prophecy foretold
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.