My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
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Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
opening twitter today
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
This pepper has seen some shit
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it