Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal

Smallpox sounds so adorable

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

what?

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.