My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
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Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.