My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
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*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott