My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
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In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”