My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
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My flabber has been gasted.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Hero horse inspires millions
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
this is the kind of friend i am
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck