Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.