My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
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CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong