My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
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Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me: