My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
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When I laugh on my period
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
You got this…
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT