Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

So the ex texted me

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.