My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
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If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
🙀🙀🙀😹
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.