My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
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Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
This dude got his own movie?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
This is always good for a laugh.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone