My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
they should create new variants of dopamine
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word