Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.