My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
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melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good