Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

*files a restraining order against reality*

placebo pills? more like sike meds

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

ready to be harvested

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

Eggs benadryl my favourite

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.