Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

[Inventing Canadians]

Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!

God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?