My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
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GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Yes my dude
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
He-man has a Masters degree
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me