My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
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17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
So true for me
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer