My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
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My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
they really do be looking like this
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.