Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

My first child will be named New Folder.

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

This elevator skit is so incredibly simple

And I think that’s what makes it perfect.

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

My funeral

My Boss (sobbing)….. How could you do this today??
We’re so understaffed

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

How does one answer this?

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

Best mom ever 😂