My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
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You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak