Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

eating my hot dog hamburger style

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco