My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
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Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Personal question. #JustSaying
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
This classic never gets old . . .
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD