@El_nacho_Nigre: "Gotta wake up early" *sets alarm for 5am* *wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm* *goes back to sleep*

@boring_as_heck: [mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines] Me: is that good

@InternetHippo: I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

@FredTaming: maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

@WorIdsWorsts: Some people...