My house is really small until I can’t find my phone.

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tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home


My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”



me: then why is your slogan “finger lickin’ go-”
kfc clerk: -your own fingers.


Alan from Facebook is concerned about “boarder” control and thinks they should “learn our langage”


If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.


Baby wood ducks hurl themselves from a nest 60’ high on the second day of their little lives but ok son, I can transfer cash into your account so you can get an iced coffee.