*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
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When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
choose your fighter
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”