*aircrafts dropping from the sky
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
My house is really small until I can’t find my phone.
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[sees friend at the store]
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes