my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
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Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Me buying fruit and veg
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.