my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
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I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI