Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

😂😂

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*