@leftarmisme
@ArfMeasures [1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
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@ArfMeasures 
@LoveNLunchmeat Not to brag, but at least six men have described me as “terrifying.”
@heyitsJudeD A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
@dafloydsta [job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
@sixthformpoet I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
@galiamango I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
@flaccidumbrella [God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
@astutenewf My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.
@CantWaitToNap An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
@julieklausner I like the word funfetti because it takes confetti, which is used in somber occasions, like funerals, and it repurposes it for fun