@leftarmisme

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

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@ArfMeasures

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

@LoveNLunchmeat

Not to brag, but at least six men have described me as “terrifying.”

@heyitsJudeD

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

@sixthformpoet

I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.

@galiamango

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

@astutenewf

My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.

@CantWaitToNap

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

@julieklausner

I like the word funfetti because it takes confetti, which is used in somber occasions, like funerals, and it repurposes it for fun