My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

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Symptoms of mental illness:
-Hearing voices
-Complaining about how other people use their social media accounts


Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.


The most uncomfortable part of seeing your work colleague crying at their desk is asking them if it’s because they’re named Ralph


If you can’t say anything nice, do what I do: say something that seems nice but later, they’re like, “hey, that wasn’t nice.” Buy some time.


I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days


My dealer texts to ask if I’m straight and I’m not even sure how that’s relevant to our arrangement


“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁