@leftarmisme

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

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@NicestHippo

Symptoms of mental illness:
-Hearing voices
-Hallucinating
-Complaining about how other people use their social media accounts

@HenpeckedHal

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

@daplusk

The most uncomfortable part of seeing your work colleague crying at their desk is asking them if it’s because they’re named Ralph

@liv_thatsme

If you can’t say anything nice, do what I do: say something that seems nice but later, they’re like, “hey, that wasn’t nice.” Buy some time.

@mela_shea

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

@jake_lach

My dealer texts to ask if I’m straight and I’m not even sure how that’s relevant to our arrangement

@jonnysun

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁