@Pork_Sword_: <During sex> Her: Pull my hair!! *grabs her mustache*

@jonnysun: so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

@UncleDuke1969: WIFE: Why are you wearing camo? ME: Crap. You can see me? WIFE: Put those cookies back.

@rotten_mamma: 3:Mommy why do I have to wear a coat, it's not that cold out!? Me:So other Moms don't judge me and talk shit, Buddy.

@dumbbeezie: Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch