My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
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Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator