My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
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I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Bear
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.