Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?

Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

Potatoes were such a good idea

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

Terribly Tuesday.

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.