My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
You Might Also Like
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I need a horror movie where a kidnapper abducts a possessed child and finds out.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word