Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

Simple