Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Siri, fight Alexa.

😭😭😭😭

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

Thursday Thought.

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?