Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

If Mona Lisa was on Instagram

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?